They are not with me…

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This one is dedicated to my girls from today and all the mentally unstable, sick and twisted humor loving moms…you know who you are!

Top ten things my kids do to embarrass me on play dates:

1. Pull things out of their nose and other orifices and showing it off with pride like an olympic gold medal.

2. Announcing that they have to poop in the same manner in which someone would yell fire in a crowded movie theatre.

3. Dropping a “f-bomb” in the middle of lunch (wonder where they got that from)

4. Farting and then beaming with pride at how much it sounded like their daddy’s farts.

5. Trying to get a horsie ride from the family dog (a yorkie by the way)

6. Emerging from the other room with a cool slingshot they found to play with (hostesses bra)

7. Spilling fruit punch on the nice beige carpet…..twice.

8. Showing us all the cool rock they found for their rock collection (dried dog poo)

9. After a beautiful lunch of cold cuts and cheese and fruit which they all pick at, waiting until the last item is wrapped and put away and then chiming in with “I’m hungry!”

10. Accidentally drinking the rest of mommy’s lemonade (margarita)….and yes it was 11 in the morning….don’t judge! It’s 5:00 somewhere people!

Things that make you go hmmm?

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10 Things that make you go hmmm…. These are real world things that I have come across that I can’t make sense of even with my twisted brain:

1. Brail instructions on drive up banking machines. How many blind people pull up to drive through atm’s?

2. Instructions on the back of shampoo bottles. I’ve known some dim bulbs but who has picked up a bottle of shampoo and gone hmmm????

3. Handling fees…..I am ordering shit from your company and paying you the price you are asking and now I have to pay an additional fee for you to “handle it”?? How the fuck else are you going to get it to me….by levitation? I’m just sayin’ people.

4. The fact that on the side of a box of legos it says “Caution, small pieces” Uh, yeah! Oh i’m sorry, these aren’t the ginormous legos that are the size of a watermelon?

5. Baby on board and neighborhood watch signs. Does this really alter human behavior? When I see baby on board signs I just pity them because I feel their pain but if you are going 20 in a 40 i’m still going to be up your ass Mrs. Cleaver.

6. People who sell stuff on facebook that is like $1 an item. Is it really worth the hassle? Here’s my collection of seven bobby pins…asking $1 negotiable. Pick up in alaska only.

7. People who paint their dogs toenails. I have had dogs….and I love dogs. But you just know that dog is walking around mortified and taking shit from all the other dogs and being cyber bullied by his little doggie facebook friends after you posted that ridiculous picture of him with the magic magenta polish.

8. The giving of healthy treat options at halloween. It’s halloween which in latin means “psychotic sugar filled rage”. It’s once a year people. The only statement you are making to little johnny by giving him those organic wheat puffs is that you want him and his buddies to egg your lawn. Now trot on in there and get my snickers goddammit!

9. Why everything on the news has become so overdramatic. If it’s supposed to be a bit breezy it’s “Hurricane Watch 2014”. If there is a sprinkle on the way…”Storm Watch!” Breaking news….puppy on side of road taking a piss…let’s go to Dirk in news copter 12….Dirk can you tell us what we are seeing here? Yes, John his leg is raising as we speak and clearly he had to go badly…back to you Sue. Listen skippy…..put my general hospital back on!

10. The fact that you are as twisted as me and enjoying reading about these things!

Where’s that damn Doogie Howser when you need him?

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It’s amazing how different we become as parents after being on the job for a while….Below are some humorous descriptions of how differently we handle the same situation over time as a parent:

First Child: I hear a faint bumping sound from the other room. I immediately jump out of my chair so fast that I inadvertently yanked myself back because I was tangled in my computer cord. As I recover from the whiplash I have just suffered I fly over the table in a very non graceful leap (a 2.4 from the russian judge) and race inside yelling “Mommy’s coming sweetheart!” I fly around the corner, my heart racing and glance up to find my son sitting on the floor and my daughter standing over him with some play doh. My son non-chalantly proclaims that my daughter has banged him on the top of the head with the play doh. I rush over and grab my son and my first instinct is to seek medical attention. I mean you can’t really tell if someone has a concussion and their heads are softer at that age and what if there is brain damage and better safe than sorry. I carefully check his skull and eyes for any signs of trauma and for the next few hours hover over him ike a gaggle of senior citizens at the 4.00 early bird buffet so that I would notice anything out of the ordinary.

Second Child: I hear something loud from the other room. My ears perk up and I begin to pray that something has fallen off the shelf and therefore I will not have to get up from what I hope is my permanent resting place. I think I hear a faint cry but not really sure, could be the cat….ok we don’t have a cat. Guess I will have to go check it out…..just as soon as the next commercial break comes. Then I hear a “Mooooommmm” screeching from the other room like a tea kettle screeching in my ear and I hate tea. I summon the will to walk in the other room and see what has transpired only to find that my daughter has accidentally dropped mr. potato head on my sons big toe. My son is whimpering on the floor, eagerly awaiting the swift justice he is sure that I will inflict upon my daughter. I examine the toe carefully and it has a little bruise and is a bit swollen but doesn’t seem to be anything serious. I help him put some ice on it. I tell my daughter to say sorry which she mutters with the enthusiasm of a checkout girl at walmart having to check on the price of listerine and we move on with our day.

Third Child: There is a huge boom from the other room. My ears perk up only because I finally have two seconds where I am in a room alone and I’m not giving it up god dammit! The boom is unfortunately accompanied by loud screaming. I sort of listen but figure if it was really bad, they would come get me and if someone is screaming then they aren’t really seriously hurt like unconscious hurt. Then comes a second loud boom, pretty impressively close to the pitch of the first one and it does sort of sound like bloody murder could possibly be happening in there. No point in ruining my pedicure by getting up so I yell to the other room “What the hell is going on in there?” I hear nothing back except high pitched screaming and more loud booms. I go to plan B…..this is where I give the line “Don’t make me come in there!” knowing full well that I will be going in there to break this up shortly. I reluctantly pull my ass off the couch and find both children shrieking and crying and the room looks like the day after hotel room occupied by guns and roses (yes I’m that old). I see blood on my daughter’s face and realize it’s too late to run now. She has a nick on her forehead that is bleeding pretty bad. It really doesn’t matter who is at fault at this point…this is not judge judy and I really don’t give a shit who started it. I get a barbie band aid and smack it on and hope for the best. It is still bleeding. I try applying some pressure (while I eat a cookie to keep my strength up during this trying time) and it still continues to bleed. I realize now that I will need some sort of medical professional to intervene here. Several thoughts clammer through my mind….where is that bond-o super glue that we bought to fix the bottom of that vase? That might do the trick…dammit can’t find it. Isn’t joe down the street some sort of medical person….oh yeah he’s the maintenance man at the local hospital…but surely in all that time there he has picked up some sort of practical medical skills. Alright calm down, I took her to get it stitched up and all was once again right with the world. Don’t judge….you do it too!

Clean up on aisle 7…

Elderly couple bearing a sign: '...We take ages.'

TOP TEN THINGS THAT ANNOY ME AT THE SUPERMARKET

1. No matter what day, what time, what supermarket location….I always get the cart with that freaking squeaky wheel that pulls to the right and yes my ass is to goddamn lazy to go back and change it so yes, I will be pretending that I am blissfully unaware as I squeal loudly from aisle to aisle.

2. I always get in line at the deli counter behind the woman purchasing cold cuts for the entire town that she lives in….really lady, 1/2 pound of olive loaf….gimme a break!

3. Yes you do see me mr. man on aisle four staring at tomato paste with the intensity of studying for the bar exam, taking up the entire aisle with your cart so no one can pass while we stand here and huff and puff and blow the house down. It’s tomato paste, not an international peace treaty…pick it and move on!

4. Hey lady standing there giving out free samples of hummus….take it down a notch. I know you get paid to be enthusiastic but don’t shove the hummus in my face and tell me what makes it the best. I just want to get in and out…and chick peas give me diarrhea so unless you want me to clear your bathroom and call in the hazmat team, move away.

5. No matter how organized I think I am, I always get to aisle 10 simply to realize that I forgot that damned green pepper on aisle one that I need to make dinner tonight.

6. I can never ever find the bread crumbs….bread aisle, no….near pasta, no. I swear the employees move that shit and then watch us from some back room giggling.

7. As I’m shopping I’m so pleased to notice how short the checkout lines are, until I’m ready to check out and then twenty six other shoppers have appeared from some hidden section to jam up the lines.

8. Instead of winding up at the checkout line with the nice candy displays to look at, I wind up at the one that has fiber-con and little circle pads for the corns on your feet….no temptation there folks.

9. Somehow the woman in front of me is the last person on earth to have never used a debit card and looks at the keypad as if it was from some alternate planet in which case she needs to stop and start over several times requiring a pack of helpers to get it to work.

10. No matter how carefully I pack things and put them cautiously in the back of my car, that fucking canteloupe always rolls out and smushes the eggs in the bag on the other end!

If you smelt it, you dealt it…

Ok….this blog is truly just inspired by a picture. Let me explain. My husband and I were spending a lazy afternoon at home discussing things in the house that needed our attention. It seems that we do this often…look around the house and name all of the things that need fixing or little projects we would like to do. We never actually DO any of these things but we feel at least like we have accomplished something if we talk about it. We were discussing the problem in our basement of a musty odor. Basements stink but that smell just gets to us. So we decide to research on the internet solutions that might help take the smell out. Many sites seemed to focus on charcoal…who knew right? Apparently charcoal actually eats fowl odors….hence the following product that we found on one website that we couldn’t believe. This product is REAL and to the people that invented them, I say kudos for having the balls to follow your passion.   image.imgThis is the real word for word description listed underneath the above product picture:

FLAT-D PAD Disposable 10 pack The Flatulence Deodorizer™ – Disposable is an activated charcoal cloth pad that is placed inside your undergarments. The activated charcoal cloth pad is thin (1/16 of an inch), comfortable and inconspicuous. Quickly and completely absorbs the unpleasant odors associated with flatus (bowel gas). Made from the same material used in military chemical attack suits.

My real fascination is whose job was it to do the artwork for these products…and was their testing for the prototypes. I wish I had known because my husband would have been the perfect test subject as he can clear a room faster than donald sterling. Anyway, there you have it. You just never know what you will stumble upon and there truly is a gadget for everything!

I don’t swim in your toilet…

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Here are 10 things you can count on during a pool day with the kiddies…

1. You will hit a strange warm spot in the shallow end…and no the pool is not heated.

2. Precisely three minutes and twenty-one seconds after you finally get the suits on, swimmies on, lotion on and kids in the pool, at least two of them will announce that they have to go poo poo.

3. Precisely six minutes and seven seconds after that at least two others will announce that they are hungry.

4. There is no graceful way for a grown woman to get onto and off of a float.

5. You can never have enough water shooters, noodles, floaties, water guns, beach balls or swim toys…there will always be a smackdown at some point.

6. The moment you finally sit back on a float to relax and soak up the sun and have a peaceful moment, somebody initiates a game of cannonball.

7. Getting the spot right next to the jet can almost make the screaming children bearable….I said almost.

8. No matter how organized you try to be, it is inevitable that there will be a missing croc or towel that seems to go to the same place as all those missing socks and pens throughout your lifetime.

9. You will always be the one left with the wet soggy towel to dry yourself with.

10.You will swear to the lord above that you will never do this again….until tomorrow.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire…

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Top 10 Anonymous Confessions of a Mother…

Well let me just say the confessions you are about to read are fictional (not mine) and in no way reflect the personal actions of this author (sort of made them up) and any likeness to me is purely coincidental (maybe a few are mine) and should not imply guilt on my part…(Alright goddammit i’ve done all of them and much, much more!)

We’ve all been there….doing or saying things with regard to our kids out of desperation in the moment to achieve some result or just make it through the day. Things looking back on that were less than honest and some down right lying going on. I’m not ashamed to admit it…lying to my kids is an essential part of my day! Here’s a few I will hold my head in shame and admit to…

1. I have told my kids that touching something of mine that I don’t want them to touch will cause them permanent scarring, pain and disfigurement. “No honey you can’t use mommy’s new ipod because if you push the buttons wrong your hand will fall off.”

2.“No sweetie there aren’t any brownie’s left i’m sorry”…ain’t no way in hell she’s getting her little paws on that brownie that i’ve been waiting all day to eat!

3. When my kids see me with a glass of wine (yes this occurs quite often) they want to know why they can’t have any and I am typically in no mood to even attempt to explain the reasons for this so I say “If you drink wine where you are a kid, you will stop growing and be short forever.”

4. Telling my kids something is closed when it’s not. This is one that is on my frequent flyer list. “Chucky Cheese is closed today because the mouse is sick”….otherwise mommy would have loved to take you there.

5. Yes I have stolen food off of my kids plates. You’ve done it too so don’t pretend to be better than me! When I am hungry and my child clearly is playing with their food because they are not interested I may casually have been known to point something out for them to look at across the room and steal a fry….so sue me!

6. I think we have all done the two option medicine lie….option 1 which is a household favorite is to put it in some juice and when they ask curiously if the juice is different I fix my crooked halo and cross my fingers behind my back and say “No, sweetie that’s just your regular juice. As a backup you can always resort to option 2 the scare tactic of telling them if they don’t take their medicine they will get really sick and have to live at the hospital. Be prepared though this is a last resort as it may induce them coming into your bed during the night with nightmares!

7. Lying to your kids if and when they catch you being romantic with your spouse. This one is rarely used as moms and dads only get to have romantic time together once every 739 years but you should have a plan just in case. You can always use the doc mcstuffins excuse which implies that daddy and mommy were giving each other check ups.

8. Blaming flatulence that occurs in the house on someone else. This is when having a family pet like a dog comes especially in handy. If your kids hear farting they will always call you out on it so it is best to have a patsy to blame it on in mind. Dads and dogs are always likely offenders so blaming them is the best course of action.

9. Exaggerating what will happen to them if they don’t take a bath when you want them to. I have passed along to my children a story that was told to me as a kid when I didn’t want to take a bath and it scared the willies out of me so I decided to continue the legacy of trauma with my kids by telling the story of a little girl who didn’t want to bathe and she got so filthy that bugs lived in her hair and the only way to get them out was to shave her head.

10. Kids typically don’t take care of their things. When they are treating their toys or games without care I will tell them that we are not buying them a new one when they break it and they ask why not so I say it costs a lot of money to replace that game and invariably they ask how much and I say “a million billion dollars.” Boy the cost of monopoly sure has gone up!

Happy Anniversary to me…

 

Today is my wedding anniversary….I say that so casually because as you may very well know, the longer you are married, the less celebratory this event becomes. It’s like “Gee, we’ve made it another year without killing each other or letting the kids run us out of the house….hoorah.” You may say I am being unromantic in failing to see the beauty of this occasion and to that I say…..zzzzz…..sorry I dozed off there for a second!

Here’s a list of the first 10 years of anniversaries and the gifts associated with them:

1st Anniversary Paper: A beautiful necklace wrapped in a love letter written on paper highlighting all the reason why he loves you.

2nd Anniversary cotton: A gift certificate for a spa day of beauty including hair, nails, make up and then a night on the town with a romantic dinner and dancing.

3rd Anniversary leather: A lovely designer bag….wrapped by him with a nice card.

4th Anniversary fruit/flowers: Chocolate dipped strawberries and flowers….from stop n shop.

5th Anniversary wood: A new salad bowl set…..with the price tags still on….unwrapped….forgot the card so wrote a nice note on the back of a gas receipt.

6th Anniversary Candy/Iron: Your favorite skittles….the small pack….picked up from 7-11 on his way home…and a card that mistakenly says with deepest sympathy which is crossed out and written in is Happy Anniversary.

7th Anniversary Wool/Copper: Told you to go buy yourself a new sweater as a special treat on him. Cards are so impersonal so he spelled out i love you with some m&m’s he was snacking on.

8th Anniversary Pottery/Bronze: He remembered to pick up the paper plates you asked him to buy at Costco…and he called you for no reason other than to wish you a happy anniversary….and also to see what you were making for dinner. Card is conveniently absent.

9th Anniversary Willow/Wicker: After dinner….one that you cooked….he plops himself down next to you on the couch and raises his eyebrows a few times and mutters “How bout a quickie?” Other than that, no mention of the occasion

10th Anniversary Tin/Aluminum: He forgets it’s your anniversary and when you remind him he feels stupid and knows you are pissed so he washes the bird poo off of your car to make up for it.

It’s the thought that counts….NOT!

God Bless America

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Top 10 reasons why fourth of july is less fun than arbor day:

1. You will spend a minimum of four hours in the supermarket trying to get what you need and then will wait on the checkout line behind the woman who wants her order rung up as seven separate orders and then pulls out her coupon wallet which is as thick as oprah’s wallet.

2. The temperature typically is conducive to roasting a chicken….outside on the deck….without a grill. I have sweat less in the sauna room at planet fitness.

3. Your family is coming…with their kids…and their dog…and aunt bea is tagging along.

4. Three guests are eating only gluten free. One is lactose intolerant. Two are vegan. Little Jimmy has a nut allergy. Cousin nicholas is allergic to air.

5. You spend all morning wiping down your outdoor furniture….just in time for a flock of migrating birds to pass over your house immediately after feasting on crumbs in the taco bell parking lot and they christen every chair. I am convinced at least two of them have irritable bowel syndrome

6. Ten minutes after you finish cleaning up dinner, during which the kids were too busy playing to want to eat, they come around whining “We’re hungry!”

7. You are forced once again to endure the thirty minute story of how Uncle Freddy had his goiter drained.

8. That big beautiful red, white and blue three-tiered jello mold with fresh fruit you made…knocked off the table onto the floor before anyone got a bite.

9. One of the guests kids decided that peeing in the middle hole of the toilet is simply a general suggestion, but not a strict rule.

10. Ten minutes after you clean up, say goodnight, get the kids finally asleep in bed and crawl into your own bed for some peace and rest, the fireworks begin booming right outside your window and the kids begin screaming immediately.

Help me!

A tragic case of ICRS

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It is definitely my intention to use this blog to make others laugh at the barrage of things that life throws at us. I think if you are as immature as I am, you can find humor in almost anything….something to strive for I guess! My inner monologue is my best friend and I am happy to share it with anyone who finds the world as amusing as I do. But my friends, today I am saddened to share with you something that I have recently been plagued with and it is no laughing matter….I have ICRS. ICRS for those of you who are unfamiliar is the single most underdiagnosed, underacknowledged condition out there currently. People are embarrassed and ashamed of confronting this condition and I am freely admitting to be afflicted. This neurological deficit is crippling in daily life but there is help out there for those who want to improve their lives. I have ICRS…..”I Can’t Remember Shit”. Admitting it is the first step.

I used to have what I considered a pretty sharp noggen. I could repeat something to myself once and remember it the entire day. Now sadly, my house looks like the warehouse at the post it factory because unless I write it down, I have no chance of remembering to do anything. In fact, I now have post its to remind me to read my other post its. Yes world, I am in imbecile. I need a lojack to locate my car in the parking lot and then when I do find it, I can’t remember where the hell i’m supposed to be going next. I was actually sitting on the toilet the other day and forgot what I was there to do. (Ok a slight exaggeration, but I did almost doze off with my trousers down). ICRS is a scary diagnosis but you are not alone. Most of us can’t remember shit. We pretend to have it together but inside our synapses and neurons are all askew. For a second there I forgot what I was writing this blog about.

I do however have some suggestions to help you in your quest to regain your mental acuity or at least give the appearance of such:

1. If you are looking for your keys for the eightieth time because you can never find them, keep an extra set near the oreos because you know you’ll be hitting that spot sometime soon.

2. If you can’t remember your kids names, change their names all to bob or make them wear those little tags that say “my name is”. As for your husband you don’t need to remember his name…just call him “hey you”. I’d say call him “baby” or “honey” but he might take this as an invite for getting romantic and you are way to tired to deal with that whole thing.

3. If you boss gave you an important task to do and you can’t remember what it is, fake a slip and fall at work and go on sick leave.

4. If you were supposed to have company and you just realize five minutes before they are due to show up, grab the can of cheez whiz and stale triscuits and just make the best of it!

5. If the bank won’t cash your check because you wrote the wrong year on it, just go with the old tried and true time traveler story. They will be so confused they will just cash the check to get rid of your crazy ass self.

6. Can’t find your cell phone? Call it from the land line…..or better yet, once you find it put it on vibrate in your pocket and call yourself all day:-)

7. Lose one of your kids in the toy store….find a well behaved child and take them home with you.

8. Forget someone’s birthday? Don’t sweat it. Have your kids do a “homemade card” because it is the thought that counts but then put a $50 in it because it’s definitely not the thought that counts.

9. If you find yourself repeating things, don’t worry about it…such is life.

10. If you find yourself repeating things, don’t worry about it…such is life.