If you smelt it, you dealt it…

Ok….this blog is truly just inspired by a picture. Let me explain. My husband and I were spending a lazy afternoon at home discussing things in the house that needed our attention. It seems that we do this often…look around the house and name all of the things that need fixing or little projects we would like to do. We never actually DO any of these things but we feel at least like we have accomplished something if we talk about it. We were discussing the problem in our basement of a musty odor. Basements stink but that smell just gets to us. So we decide to research on the internet solutions that might help take the smell out. Many sites seemed to focus on charcoal…who knew right? Apparently charcoal actually eats fowl odors….hence the following product that we found on one website that we couldn’t believe. This product is REAL and to the people that invented them, I say kudos for having the balls to follow your passion.   image.imgThis is the real word for word description listed underneath the above product picture:

FLAT-D PAD Disposable 10 pack The Flatulence Deodorizer™ – Disposable is an activated charcoal cloth pad that is placed inside your undergarments. The activated charcoal cloth pad is thin (1/16 of an inch), comfortable and inconspicuous. Quickly and completely absorbs the unpleasant odors associated with flatus (bowel gas). Made from the same material used in military chemical attack suits.

My real fascination is whose job was it to do the artwork for these products…and was their testing for the prototypes. I wish I had known because my husband would have been the perfect test subject as he can clear a room faster than donald sterling. Anyway, there you have it. You just never know what you will stumble upon and there truly is a gadget for everything!

I don’t swim in your toilet…

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Here are 10 things you can count on during a pool day with the kiddies…

1. You will hit a strange warm spot in the shallow end…and no the pool is not heated.

2. Precisely three minutes and twenty-one seconds after you finally get the suits on, swimmies on, lotion on and kids in the pool, at least two of them will announce that they have to go poo poo.

3. Precisely six minutes and seven seconds after that at least two others will announce that they are hungry.

4. There is no graceful way for a grown woman to get onto and off of a float.

5. You can never have enough water shooters, noodles, floaties, water guns, beach balls or swim toys…there will always be a smackdown at some point.

6. The moment you finally sit back on a float to relax and soak up the sun and have a peaceful moment, somebody initiates a game of cannonball.

7. Getting the spot right next to the jet can almost make the screaming children bearable….I said almost.

8. No matter how organized you try to be, it is inevitable that there will be a missing croc or towel that seems to go to the same place as all those missing socks and pens throughout your lifetime.

9. You will always be the one left with the wet soggy towel to dry yourself with.

10.You will swear to the lord above that you will never do this again….until tomorrow.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire…

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Top 10 Anonymous Confessions of a Mother…

Well let me just say the confessions you are about to read are fictional (not mine) and in no way reflect the personal actions of this author (sort of made them up) and any likeness to me is purely coincidental (maybe a few are mine) and should not imply guilt on my part…(Alright goddammit i’ve done all of them and much, much more!)

We’ve all been there….doing or saying things with regard to our kids out of desperation in the moment to achieve some result or just make it through the day. Things looking back on that were less than honest and some down right lying going on. I’m not ashamed to admit it…lying to my kids is an essential part of my day! Here’s a few I will hold my head in shame and admit to…

1. I have told my kids that touching something of mine that I don’t want them to touch will cause them permanent scarring, pain and disfigurement. “No honey you can’t use mommy’s new ipod because if you push the buttons wrong your hand will fall off.”

2.“No sweetie there aren’t any brownie’s left i’m sorry”…ain’t no way in hell she’s getting her little paws on that brownie that i’ve been waiting all day to eat!

3. When my kids see me with a glass of wine (yes this occurs quite often) they want to know why they can’t have any and I am typically in no mood to even attempt to explain the reasons for this so I say “If you drink wine where you are a kid, you will stop growing and be short forever.”

4. Telling my kids something is closed when it’s not. This is one that is on my frequent flyer list. “Chucky Cheese is closed today because the mouse is sick”….otherwise mommy would have loved to take you there.

5. Yes I have stolen food off of my kids plates. You’ve done it too so don’t pretend to be better than me! When I am hungry and my child clearly is playing with their food because they are not interested I may casually have been known to point something out for them to look at across the room and steal a fry….so sue me!

6. I think we have all done the two option medicine lie….option 1 which is a household favorite is to put it in some juice and when they ask curiously if the juice is different I fix my crooked halo and cross my fingers behind my back and say “No, sweetie that’s just your regular juice. As a backup you can always resort to option 2 the scare tactic of telling them if they don’t take their medicine they will get really sick and have to live at the hospital. Be prepared though this is a last resort as it may induce them coming into your bed during the night with nightmares!

7. Lying to your kids if and when they catch you being romantic with your spouse. This one is rarely used as moms and dads only get to have romantic time together once every 739 years but you should have a plan just in case. You can always use the doc mcstuffins excuse which implies that daddy and mommy were giving each other check ups.

8. Blaming flatulence that occurs in the house on someone else. This is when having a family pet like a dog comes especially in handy. If your kids hear farting they will always call you out on it so it is best to have a patsy to blame it on in mind. Dads and dogs are always likely offenders so blaming them is the best course of action.

9. Exaggerating what will happen to them if they don’t take a bath when you want them to. I have passed along to my children a story that was told to me as a kid when I didn’t want to take a bath and it scared the willies out of me so I decided to continue the legacy of trauma with my kids by telling the story of a little girl who didn’t want to bathe and she got so filthy that bugs lived in her hair and the only way to get them out was to shave her head.

10. Kids typically don’t take care of their things. When they are treating their toys or games without care I will tell them that we are not buying them a new one when they break it and they ask why not so I say it costs a lot of money to replace that game and invariably they ask how much and I say “a million billion dollars.” Boy the cost of monopoly sure has gone up!

Happy Anniversary to me…

 

Today is my wedding anniversary….I say that so casually because as you may very well know, the longer you are married, the less celebratory this event becomes. It’s like “Gee, we’ve made it another year without killing each other or letting the kids run us out of the house….hoorah.” You may say I am being unromantic in failing to see the beauty of this occasion and to that I say…..zzzzz…..sorry I dozed off there for a second!

Here’s a list of the first 10 years of anniversaries and the gifts associated with them:

1st Anniversary Paper: A beautiful necklace wrapped in a love letter written on paper highlighting all the reason why he loves you.

2nd Anniversary cotton: A gift certificate for a spa day of beauty including hair, nails, make up and then a night on the town with a romantic dinner and dancing.

3rd Anniversary leather: A lovely designer bag….wrapped by him with a nice card.

4th Anniversary fruit/flowers: Chocolate dipped strawberries and flowers….from stop n shop.

5th Anniversary wood: A new salad bowl set…..with the price tags still on….unwrapped….forgot the card so wrote a nice note on the back of a gas receipt.

6th Anniversary Candy/Iron: Your favorite skittles….the small pack….picked up from 7-11 on his way home…and a card that mistakenly says with deepest sympathy which is crossed out and written in is Happy Anniversary.

7th Anniversary Wool/Copper: Told you to go buy yourself a new sweater as a special treat on him. Cards are so impersonal so he spelled out i love you with some m&m’s he was snacking on.

8th Anniversary Pottery/Bronze: He remembered to pick up the paper plates you asked him to buy at Costco…and he called you for no reason other than to wish you a happy anniversary….and also to see what you were making for dinner. Card is conveniently absent.

9th Anniversary Willow/Wicker: After dinner….one that you cooked….he plops himself down next to you on the couch and raises his eyebrows a few times and mutters “How bout a quickie?” Other than that, no mention of the occasion

10th Anniversary Tin/Aluminum: He forgets it’s your anniversary and when you remind him he feels stupid and knows you are pissed so he washes the bird poo off of your car to make up for it.

It’s the thought that counts….NOT!

God Bless America

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Top 10 reasons why fourth of july is less fun than arbor day:

1. You will spend a minimum of four hours in the supermarket trying to get what you need and then will wait on the checkout line behind the woman who wants her order rung up as seven separate orders and then pulls out her coupon wallet which is as thick as oprah’s wallet.

2. The temperature typically is conducive to roasting a chicken….outside on the deck….without a grill. I have sweat less in the sauna room at planet fitness.

3. Your family is coming…with their kids…and their dog…and aunt bea is tagging along.

4. Three guests are eating only gluten free. One is lactose intolerant. Two are vegan. Little Jimmy has a nut allergy. Cousin nicholas is allergic to air.

5. You spend all morning wiping down your outdoor furniture….just in time for a flock of migrating birds to pass over your house immediately after feasting on crumbs in the taco bell parking lot and they christen every chair. I am convinced at least two of them have irritable bowel syndrome

6. Ten minutes after you finish cleaning up dinner, during which the kids were too busy playing to want to eat, they come around whining “We’re hungry!”

7. You are forced once again to endure the thirty minute story of how Uncle Freddy had his goiter drained.

8. That big beautiful red, white and blue three-tiered jello mold with fresh fruit you made…knocked off the table onto the floor before anyone got a bite.

9. One of the guests kids decided that peeing in the middle hole of the toilet is simply a general suggestion, but not a strict rule.

10. Ten minutes after you clean up, say goodnight, get the kids finally asleep in bed and crawl into your own bed for some peace and rest, the fireworks begin booming right outside your window and the kids begin screaming immediately.

Help me!

A tragic case of ICRS

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It is definitely my intention to use this blog to make others laugh at the barrage of things that life throws at us. I think if you are as immature as I am, you can find humor in almost anything….something to strive for I guess! My inner monologue is my best friend and I am happy to share it with anyone who finds the world as amusing as I do. But my friends, today I am saddened to share with you something that I have recently been plagued with and it is no laughing matter….I have ICRS. ICRS for those of you who are unfamiliar is the single most underdiagnosed, underacknowledged condition out there currently. People are embarrassed and ashamed of confronting this condition and I am freely admitting to be afflicted. This neurological deficit is crippling in daily life but there is help out there for those who want to improve their lives. I have ICRS…..”I Can’t Remember Shit”. Admitting it is the first step.

I used to have what I considered a pretty sharp noggen. I could repeat something to myself once and remember it the entire day. Now sadly, my house looks like the warehouse at the post it factory because unless I write it down, I have no chance of remembering to do anything. In fact, I now have post its to remind me to read my other post its. Yes world, I am in imbecile. I need a lojack to locate my car in the parking lot and then when I do find it, I can’t remember where the hell i’m supposed to be going next. I was actually sitting on the toilet the other day and forgot what I was there to do. (Ok a slight exaggeration, but I did almost doze off with my trousers down). ICRS is a scary diagnosis but you are not alone. Most of us can’t remember shit. We pretend to have it together but inside our synapses and neurons are all askew. For a second there I forgot what I was writing this blog about.

I do however have some suggestions to help you in your quest to regain your mental acuity or at least give the appearance of such:

1. If you are looking for your keys for the eightieth time because you can never find them, keep an extra set near the oreos because you know you’ll be hitting that spot sometime soon.

2. If you can’t remember your kids names, change their names all to bob or make them wear those little tags that say “my name is”. As for your husband you don’t need to remember his name…just call him “hey you”. I’d say call him “baby” or “honey” but he might take this as an invite for getting romantic and you are way to tired to deal with that whole thing.

3. If you boss gave you an important task to do and you can’t remember what it is, fake a slip and fall at work and go on sick leave.

4. If you were supposed to have company and you just realize five minutes before they are due to show up, grab the can of cheez whiz and stale triscuits and just make the best of it!

5. If the bank won’t cash your check because you wrote the wrong year on it, just go with the old tried and true time traveler story. They will be so confused they will just cash the check to get rid of your crazy ass self.

6. Can’t find your cell phone? Call it from the land line…..or better yet, once you find it put it on vibrate in your pocket and call yourself all day:-)

7. Lose one of your kids in the toy store….find a well behaved child and take them home with you.

8. Forget someone’s birthday? Don’t sweat it. Have your kids do a “homemade card” because it is the thought that counts but then put a $50 in it because it’s definitely not the thought that counts.

9. If you find yourself repeating things, don’t worry about it…such is life.

10. If you find yourself repeating things, don’t worry about it…such is life.

Big Bird is Mocking Me…

 

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I could sense it…..the moment our eyes made contact I could tell that he was mocking me. His big white eyes atop that feathery yellow carcass of a costume. What I am quite sure was a huge smirk under there as he chuckled internally in his birdie way as if to se “Aahhahahahah….another sucker!” This is all really my fault. I only have myself to blame. It’s like going bathing suit shopping….in theory it can be exciting that it’s summer, that wonderful time of year filled with sunshine and bbq’s. I go in with the best of intentions, fantasizing of what nice finds will come my way at the store. Then by the end of the day I am drenched in sweat, exasperated, horrified and absolutely convinced that those mirrors are defective along with quite a bit of mis-sizing on the garment tags.

Well, I also had the best of intentions as most parents do when we decided to surprise our kids with a trip to sesame place. My kids loved elmo and cookie monster and I will openly admit that I had some affection for them as well. I mean anyone who can put away a whole bag of famous amos double chocolate chips deserves mean props, am I right? Anyway, we decided to book them the trip and not tell them ahead of time where we were going. We hadn’t really been away overnight with them before so we weren’t sure how they would react. In my mind, oh so silly naive mommy woman that I am, I almost envisioned us skipping around the park like they show the family in the commercial doing. Mom and Dad lovingly glaring at little Susie and Johnny and the kids appreciatively adoring mommy and daddy. What I failed to realize is that those damn people are paid actors!

The funny thing is that the ride there wasn’t bad. A few new DVD’s, the occasional bathroom stop and seven hundred and twelve “are we there yet’s” and we reached the hotel without incident. When we checked into the room, the kids eyes immediately lit up and they were jumping on the bed shouting “Thank you mommy and daddy! This is so awesome!” It then occurred to me that they though this was the big surprise…getting to stay in a hotel. In retrospect I should have just said your welcome and saved my money and gone home the next morning end of story. But alas, I had my prepaid tickets to Sesame already and we were on our way.

What became very readily apparent as we got to the park was that we were way more excited than the kids. We were like “Oh look, this is where oscar the grouch and elmo live!!”. The kids were like “Yeah, ok….um we are hungry.” Alrighty then…moving on. We spent the next seven hours drawing two very valuable conclusions. My kids are not “Ride Kids” meaning three times my son wanted to wait for the teacup ride during which I could have performed a successful kidney transplant, then when it was our turn he would begin to panic and cry and I would have to drag him off the line. By the last time I basically threw him in a teacup and threw myself on top of him and was like “You’re going to enjoy this god dammit if it’s the last thing I do!” P.S. – He loved it. The second valuable conclusion was that all you really see is a bunch of miserable moms and dad’s dehydrated, frustrated, broke parents running after their kids praying for it all to be over. The best was when my kids saw every other kid with these giant elmo cups large enough to fill a pool from and of course they wanted one. They were so expensive that I had to raise the limit on my credit card to pay for it….but the overly cheery obnoxious sales girl in the grover hat added “Free refills” to soften the blow. Are you kidding me? If my kid was actually able to consume this 148 ounce cup full of watered down apple juice, we would have to roll them out of here with some oompa loompas like violet beauregard after turning into a big fat blueberry after sneaking that gum at the chocolate factory.

So what is the lesson of all this…..we do survive these things and even though immediately after I swore I would never have another outing like this one….I do hear disney calling….maybe when they are twenty!

the learning curve

Now that I have children I am already fearing the point at which they are going to ask me to help them with their homework and hence realize that I have a large dunce cap sitting on top of my head. I can already feel that pit in my stomach at the thought of having to relive my school days. Anything beyond 2+2 = 4 and I’m going to be lost. I am going to share with you a bunch of hilarious school assignments some of which I truly admire the wit of the author. The rest of them are just too funny…aahhh the innocence of children and the sick minds of adults! Enjoy!

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You are caller 832

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I am fuming…..this is something I am sure you can all relate to. I just spent thirty minutes of my life that I will never get back trying to speak to a human being at big company that makes appliances/electronics. I won’t name names (ahem LG) but their name (LG) stands for Life is Good. It should however be called NFC which stands for no fucking chance are you ever going to be able to resolve anything! We have all been in this state of perpetual frustration that is induced by the kenny g music playing in the background as we are put on hold or transferred for the seventh time to the “correct department”. These are some things i’m sure you’ll recognize…

1. “Your call is important to us”……LIARS!!! My call is not at all important to you and I know you all sit during this time and mock us and laugh.

2. “If you want english, press 1…If you want spanish, press 2, If you use sign language, sign 3… If lebanese is your second language, jump up and down and make a camel face… If you were teased in junior high school, press 54321….”

3. “You are the next caller”…Bullshit! I think they throw darts and a dart board to see who the lucky one caller out of the 68 on hold are actually going to get to talk to a person.

4. “May I put you on hold for a second while I look at your account.” Um, no. You can look at my god damn account while you keep me on the phone. Does looking at my account take two hands and a consultation with three co-workers…I think not.

5. “Please stay on the line and one of our customer service support specialists will be right with you.” Your idea of a “specialist” is a guy named “Fezra” who speaks little to no english and his only training has been on finding his way to the office snack machine. “

6. Would you like to take a brief customer satisfaction survey?” Sure boss…just as soon as you take a brief survey on how to kiss my white ass:-)

7. “Let me take your information and have someone get back to you as soon as possible.”…we both know damn well that you will get back to me about fifteen minutes after the next alien craft lands in my backyard.

8. “It is our goal to provide you with excellent customer service so your call may be monitored for quality assurance purposes.”…Um no, it is really your goal to torture human beings and ask them the same stupid unrelated questions until they can’t take it anymore and hang up.

9. “Is there anything else I can help you with today?” Why yes now that you have asked can you feel the same frustration that I have felt dealing with you. You can easily do this by banging your head against a brick wall for twenty minutes.

10. “Have a pleasant day”……I hope your computer crashes asshole.

Bellevue here we come…

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You know as we get older it really is harder to find new really good friendships. Old friends just seem to know the real us, while I find it is harder as you get older to find people that you just “click with” and can be your real self with. Not everyone gets my type of saracastic, rude humor and I often get the side tilt of the head follow by a look of bewilderement when I crack a joke to people who don’t know me that well. This is what makes it hard when you have kids. Moms are often put in situations where they are having to interact with new people and other moms and what do you do if they just aren’t your cup of tea? This is usually the case because I don’t drink tea….I’m a straight up vodka girl!

There are definitely kids that my children like to play with and then I meet the moms and the hopes for a friendship to develop are the same odds of kim kardashian being initiated into mensa…..slim to none. Here are a few of the moms I have met that just aren’t my new BFF:

Monica Monotone: This lady spoke in one tone….boring. Her one word drab answers to every question were putting me to sleep. If I asked her to elaborate she would stare aimlessly into space and then say “I don’t know”. There was as no inflection and character in her voice and I kept thinking in my head, “Bueller, Bueller, anyone…anyone?” I wanted to set her hair on fire just to confirm that she was in fact not a robot.

Chipper Chelsea: Oy. This one was so cheery that I think someone used gorilla glue on her permasmile. Everything was a pep talk or a “Let’s turn that frown around” sort of statement. I truly expected her to break out into “The sun will come out tomorrow” right there in front of me. Too cheery, too chipper, buh bye.

Competitive Carol: Everything you say to this one is turned around to something she has done bigger and better. “Oh you had to go to the doctor for a bad burn? Oh I had a bad burn once, it was a sixth degree and I had to have a whole leg replaced.” If you tell her your son likes baseball, her son is the next Derek Jeter and at age 5 is being scouted by several MBA teams. Sorry Carol, moving on.

Now this may seem judgemental to you and maybe it is….but I need to surround myself with people who have the same type of crazy and dysfunction and me!