Our life B.C and A.D.

Marriage and family are the types of things that no one can truly prepare you for. Life B.C. (Before Children) and life A.D. (After Delivery) are completely different. You can try to describe to someone how your life changes once you have kids but there are just no words to adequately convey the reality of what really happens. It is sort of like trying to describe cliff diving to someone….you can tell them it’s scary and exciting and full of ups and downs but the only way to truly know how it feels is to take the leap yourself. I had a friend who was pregnant and she and her husband were very active and often seen going biking and kayaking and jetting off to here and there and I said “You’re life will surely change once the baby is here”…to which silly, naive little husband replied, “Oh no…we aren’t changing our life for the baby. He will have to adapt to our schedule and we’ll take him with us everywhere.” I can remember my husband and I having to duck back in our house after that comment so that they wouldn’t hear the hyena cackling that came from us after hearing that little piece of wisdom. Needless to say they didn’t leave their house for the first month after little “Timmy” was born and anytime i saw them, they looked like they just escaped from a labor camp.

Here are a few BEFORE and AFTER’s that you will recognize for sure:

THE SINGLE MAN’S BRIEFCASE:Leather_Briefcase

THE MARRIED FATHER’S BRIEFCASE: (This really is my husband’s)

 

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THE TWENTY-SOMETHING SINGLE WOMAN’S PURSE:

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THE MARRIED MOM’S PURSE: (Not quite as chic)

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THE YOUNG SINGLE’S OUTFIT:

Pink Accents

 

THE MOMZILLA’S ATTIRE:

images-3 images-4BEDROOM OF CHILDLESS COUPLE AT 9PM:

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MOMMY AND DADDY’S BEDROOM AT 9PM:

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So there you have it….do I ever long for the days of the eight o’clock dinners out and the small clutch purse….of course I do! But it really is true that the grass is always greener on the other side and you just have to embrace your new life because it is full of sticky kisses, love-filled hugs and an the occasional “I love you mommy” and for those things I wouldn’t trade for anything.

 

 

 

 

Thank you Diet Coke Lady!

2009-07-25-waitress

When I first thought about writing a blog my biggest concerns were; 1. Is anyone going to read it? and 2. What if I run out of things to talk about? Well i must say that my #2 fear is no longer a concern….and for this I thank you people out there. If you recognize yourself in this blog, this buds for you. I realize now that if I continue to venture out daily into the outside world to places like walmart, the gas station and the DMV, I will always have a fresh supply of amusing little anecdotes to report back. Here are a few of my winners from out there in the world….I may not understand you but be sure I am not laughing at you…..it’s more of a chuckle.

BURGER JOINT BETTY: There you were at the booth next to ours…I spotted you right away when we walked in because you had your extra thick reading glasses with the shiny gold chain attached and you were perusing the menu like it was a legal document. In a sea of friendly faces, your puss stood right out. I immediately pitied your waitress. Little “Chelsea” didn’t know what she was in for. She hopped right over with her overly cheery “tip me well” smile and asked if you knew what you wanted. That is when the inquisition began. Before she could even grasp her pen you began…”Are the buns fresh?” “Because if they aren’t fresh and are just toasted to seem fresh I am not going to be happy!” The questions came flying faster than the mad rush at costco when the free samples of apple strudel come out. Betty continued on finally deciding on the Bacon Double Cheeseburger, seedless bun, two slices of onion, bacon well done, tomato sliced thin, a large order of cheese fries, cheese sauce extra hot on the side and here it comes…..wait for it…..wait for it…. a large diet coke! Really? Explain this to me? Can’t be the superior taste of diet to regular coke. What is the mentality here really? Whatever it may be, I salute you Betty….because you make me laugh.

RITE AID RICHARD: The funny thing is that I specifically attempt to go to pick up prescriptions at odd times to avoid the long lines that can sometimes dribble all the way back to the laxatives aisle. Somehow though, the prescription gods are laughing at me because i always seem to wind up behind this guy. He is there of course to pick up his wife’s prescription (no doubt for xanax). He gives his last name which is twenty-three letters long (and not one vowel) and the perplexed college freshman stuck behind the counter actually has to have him write it down to be able to even attempt to locate it in the massive arctic ocean of white bags strewn behind him. He checks feverishly, bopping from one bin to another….then over to the special red bins on the side, then to the even more special orange tub on the other wall, then back again to the myriad of white bags and in the end of course…comes up empty handed. Now he attempts the computer, banging away on the keys trying to figure out what sinister act has occurred to make sense of this confusion over the missing prescription. He admits defeat and returns, head down to Richard. “I’m sorry sir, we don’t seem to have any prescriptions here in that name”. At this point I glance to see if the advil section is within reach so I can take twenty or thirty to take away the headache that is now creeping into my skull. Richard is huffing and puffing and not having it and is now on his cell phone calling Mrs. Richard while the pharmacy tech is now polling the two other employees who at this point are just thankful not to have to deal with Richard. I know you are in great suspense as to how this circus all comes to an end…..can you venture a guess? It is quite the dateline mystery at this point but alas, Mrs. Richard reveals that she mistakenly gave the prescription in at CVS down the road and when the embarrassed Richard gets a bit huffy with her, she turns it around to somehow be his fault and he’s apologizing to her. Impressive my dear, I am in awe of your skills. If only Mrs. Richard could use her powers for good instead of evil.

ICE CREAM IKE: Usually I don’t mind waiting on line at the ice cream store. That extra time is typically needed to scan the flavor charts and inspect the large ice cream filled buckets to ensure that the most satisfying choice is made. The worst thing is to order something when you are rushed, only to find out that there is some superior sundae that you discover after that you could’ve had…..like one that comes with some sort of dual funnel device on the cup to deliver the cookie dough and the ice cream simultaneously and in equal proportion! Ok, I got carried away there for a second so bear with me. I must say that Ike was one that almost ruined the ice cream experience for me….I said almost. The store I happened to be in was one that notoriously allows customers to have a minuscule sampling of their ice cream on a petite little spoon in case you decide to branch out into new, untested flavors. Ike turned this into an olympic sport. He was the only one on the medal platform…scoring the gold, silver and bronze in ice cream tasting and annoyance. By the sixth request to taste a flavor, the pink capped little girl behind the counter was engaging in feverish eye rolling. I was actually concerned for her health and well being for a moment, fearing she would stay that way if she rolled her eyes too much like my mother had warned me about as a young child. First it was triple chocolate rocky road, then double peppermint chip swirl, then onto peanut butter double fudge nutty ripple and so forth and so on. I could actually read the servers mind as she was figuring in her head how much she is paid an hour and how she is really only making 96 cents for having to deal with this ass wipe. In the end…..good old Ike got himself a medium cup of vanilla. Need I say more. I was actually predicting him getting to the sixth sample and then saying, “Ugh i’m full…..I can’t eat another bite!”

So here’s to all of the Betty’s, Richard’s and Ike’s of the world. You keep me irritated and yet amused all at once and therefore I will be able to blog until the end of time.

In case of emergency…

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Let me start by saying that there are certain essentials that all moms need to get them through their days.  What works is different for everyone as variety is the spice of life.  Some may rely on that 3 p.m. power bar, some of you may fit in a nice brisk walk listening to your favorite tunes on your ipod, while others may try to take a nice relaxing bubble bath during naptime.  I do none of the above. Therefore I thought I would share some of the little things that I have found helpful in getting me through until the kids bedtime.

MOMMY’S SIPPY CUP: wine-sippy-cupXL-178 Mommy should keep her sippy in her diaper bag or pocketbook at all times. The key is slow and steady sips throughout the day to obtain the desired level of effectiveness.

MOMMY’S MEDICINE: UnknownMedicine is conveniently pre-portioned so as not to overdose.  Take as directed and repeat as necessary until a high enough level of bliss is achieved to be able to put up with ensuing chaos that surrounds you.

MOMMY’S PHYSICAL THERAPY: 17m9iepqiwpqzjpgUse these preventatively at will in order to prevent injury to actual husband.  May be used liberally during menstrual cycle when husband says something particularly idiotic or insensitive like, “How are you?” or “What’s wrong?” Studies show that use of these decreases husbands trips to the emergency room by 97%.

MOMMY’S HEARING AID: Unknown-1Must wear religiously to achieve optimal desired level of noise in household. Do not remove without first verifying that children are not present. Can be dangerous if removed in the presence of actual children so proceed with caution.

These are some of the things that help me on a daily basis……If I help even one mommy out there get through the day then I have done my job. May the force be with you.

Gobstopper Mama

families-parent-parenting-over_protective_parents-swaddling-swaddle-gra111205l.jpgPeople are odd…..I find it intriguing how different people are whereas my husband is constantly telling me that people are idiots and he has no use for anyone. We certainly all can’t be idiots can we? Maybe I had better not ask a question that I really don’t want the answer to. I do actually find it interesting why people do the things they do especially those that are very different from myself. I may not agree with them but try not to judge just because their way of thinking doesn’t exactly line up with mine….unless of course they do something really stupid or thoughtless and then they are quickly filed at the end of the “science category” in my mental files. First in that section comes proton, then neutron, then electron….then lastly moron. I mean the world would be really boring if everyone thought the same way. Of course it might be really peaceful too.

The same applies to parenting styles. We each have our own ideas about what is the right way to parent. Here is a prime example of some various approaches to parenting:

1. Gobstopper mama: This woman would give an extra large gobstopper or a jalapeno pepper to her ten month old without even flinching. Trial by experience. At the park her child is up at the top of the playground equipment and she is completely unphased by this as she is texting feverishly on her iphone. “If he falls and hurts himself, that is how he will learn”, is something she would proclaim. Her child can often be found unattended outside or in the local emergency room. Good luck with that. She is often married to “Wreck it Ralph” who believes in “toughening them up” by giving little Zach some real tools from him workbench so he can learn to be handy. Unfortunately for his playmates, zach feels the wrench is much better suited to be used as a light saber to beat his friends over the head with.

2. Bubble boy mama: This mother would be happiest if scientists could invent a plastic protective covering that her child could be in for their own safety and her mental comfort. She can be found no more than half a step behind her child at the park and he typically has some sort of protective padding on. He’s the one in long sleeves in the 85 degree heat, with enough suntan lotion on to fill his kiddie pool. If you check her purse you will find the jumbo tub of antibacterial wash along with the number for poison control. She is easy to spot at snack time….she is the one cutting up little joey’s cheerios into finite little pieces so he doesn’t choke.

3. Academic Annie: We’ve all seen her…..she uses everything as a learning experience and a chance to grow. Little Sandra (named after the supreme court justice) can already recite the latin alphabet at age 2…. a tool of great use on the playground. Her playdoh sculptures are shaped to look like exotic zoo animals of which she can recite to you the habitats in which they primarily live, where my daughter tells me she made a butt out of playdoh and oh mommy look it farts….hee hee hee! Her little one is at the preschool table reading sonnets quietly to her imaginary friend and my little one sitting next to year is picking her nose and telling me what cartoon character her findings most resemble.

Well there you have it. I think we all think we are normal, all think we are doing the “right” thing for our kids. I would like to think I am somewhere in the middle but ultimately we are all just doing the best that we can…..trying not to mess our kids up and send them into life long therapy while trying to maintain our own sanity.

And the liebster goes to…

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Well i have to thank the academy….and Nadege Nicoll (www.nadegenicoll.com) for nominating me for a Leibster award. Never heard of it?!? Ok, me neither but apparently it is an online award for new bloggers.  I will then have to pass the torch and nominate ten new bloggers that i have found that i like.  I also have to list 11 interesting things about myself, answer 11 questions created by the blogger who nominated me, and write 11 new questions to pass on to those i nominate.  First i’d like to thank all the little people who helped me get to where i am today….my parents, my first grade teacher Mrs. Kushel and the people at brach’s for making jelly beans. I’d also like to point out all those who didn’t do a damn thing to get me where i am today.  First, my friend Jennifer for pulling on the bow to my wrap around skirt in fourth grade and making it fall off in front of the whole class and also to Ed McMahon for making all those promises to me that he never kept…bastard!

Anyway, I digress……here are 11 interesting things about myself:

    1. I did have aspirations to be a stand up comedian when i was younger but I tire easily and i didn’t think I could make it as a sit down comedian.
    2. I can be a procrastinator.  I toyed with the idea of forming a procrastinator support group for other women like me but I just never got around to it.
    3. I love halloween and I love candy….that is the whole reason i had kids, so I could raid their stash.  My kids wanted to give up after only about 20 houses last year because it was cold and rainy and I dragged them around for another half hour so we could get more treats (yes, pitiful I know).
    4. I will admit to doing the pencil test.  For those of you who don’t know what this is there is a test to see if you need a breast lift which entails sticking a pencil under your boobs and if it stays there, your boobs are considered saggy.  Well….I found out that I could fit all of aisle four at staples under my boob and it stays there.  I could have shoplifted quite the score because you couldn’t even see that there was anything underneath….and there you have it.
    5. My husband is a neat freak whereas I just like to go for the “illusion of clean”. When we moved in together I came to find out that he liked all the containers in the fridge facing front and the same with the canned goods in the closet.  I broke him of this very quickly and when he would go to work i would call him and tell him how I was messing with all of the cans and he would panic.  By the time we had the kids he had pretty much given up and now when my son spills his strawberries on the floor and proceeds to walk on them my husband doesn’t even flinch (although he has developed a slight twitch on the right side of his face…oh well).
    6. My brothers are extremely smart….my oldest brother is a scientist and expert on genetics and cell biology, my middle brother has worked in admissions in prestigious universities and private schools and has written a novel.  I therefore blame my parents for using up all the smart genes by the time I was born….they were just flat out tapped dry.  So really I had to become funny to compensate.
    7. I was actually a very shy child and stuck to my mother’s leg for a good portion of my childhood.  She points this out and tells me that my clinging to her caused a permanent dysfunction in her leg joints and will actually try to show me that there is an “indentation” there to this day.
    8. I never really had a wonderful optimism about marriage…I could never picture myself living with someone and having them around all the time and not get on my nerves.  Then there was a pivotal point in my relationship with my husband where i realized i could pass gas accidentally and not be judged and I thought “Hey, this marriage thing ain’t too shabby!”
    9. We all have the age that we always associate ourselves as. I still feel like i’m 25 on the inside and I often look at my kids and can’t believe that I could possibly be in charge of the health and welfare of two human beings. Then we go to give my kids a bath and we sit on the floor with them and when we are done, neither my husband or I can get up off of the floor without calling in a crane and we realize very quickly our true age.
    10. When people comment on how beautiful or adorable my kids are, it really makes me feel good inside because I helped to create them and i’m so proud. But then I realize that I tell people often how beautiful their kids are regardless of how they actually look. It’s just the polite thing to do.  I mean the kid could have a hump ,three eyes and  a hairy mole and i’d find some compliment to pay them. But my husband and I are convinced that when people say this to us, they really mean it!
    11. Seinfeld was my favorite show of all time.  Everything in life can be related back to a specific seinfeld episode or scene. If I could do anything I would write a sit-com and have it be just a show about all the crazy things that happen in life but for now i’ll just write them on my blog

Here are the 11 questions that Nadege wanted to ask the nominees…

1. If you were an animal, what would it be and why? I would be a kangaroo because i like to lounge and you get to hang in your mom’s pouch while she’s out looking for food….and the pouch is a convertible so you can stick your head out the top….sweet ride.

2. What do you find is the hardest at being a parent? Not strangling my husband daily…love you honey.

3. When is the last time you laughed so much your belly ached? Yesterday and every day before that.

4. If you were given to choose a super power, what would you wish for? Invisibility because I really would like to mess with people at all times.

5. What’s your happy place? The bathroom with the lock on the door.

6. What is your most embarrassing moment? I once fell down a flight of stairs on my first day at high school and it wasn’t one of those graceful, poised, oops i have slipped and landed nicely on my bum falls….it was one of those flailing feet and arms flying, skirt rides up and i’m wearing the ugly underwear falls.

7. You can marry a famous person tomorrow: who will you choose? Steve from Blues Clues….the original guy, not that wanna be joe guy who I really didn’t like.

8. What is your favorite quote? “Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.” Lana Turner

9. What is the last thing that made you really, really angry? When I heard that hostess went belly up.

10. If you win 10 million dollars tomorrow, what would you do with it? Roll around in it.

11. What is your biggest fear? Not having a safe world for my kids do grow up in….naaahhhh just joking – it’s clowns….they are just creeeepy!

Here are my nominees:

www.mommyneedsahobby.blogspot.com

www.dadflashes.com

www.mynamesnotmommy.com

www.abundantmama.com

www.obsessedwithpoop.com

www.blondemomblog.com

www.yourmomisstrange.blogspot.com

www.myfunnyfunnyfamily.com

www.twogoodeggsblog.wordpress.com/

Here are the questions i would like them to answer:

1. If you weren’t blogging about your current subject, what would you write about?

2. If you were a dessert, which one would you be and why?

3. If you could go back to any age in your life which would you go back to?

4. If you could sit and have lunch with anyone living today, who would it be?

5. What was the best part of your day today?

6. What embarasses you?

7. What is one of your biggest pet peeves?

8. If you could have any meal cooked for you what would you choose?

9. Do you remember your worst date and where did it take place?

10. What is your guilty pleasure tv show or movie?

11. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop?

Day 692

Keith-Wanted-To-Find-Out-Somthing-Funny-potty-xxx-image-cartoon

Sometimes we feel as if days spent being a mommy just sort of meld into one another…..an endless cycle of constant whining and crying,  most of which comes from our husbands.  There are some days though that we will remember always, that are ingrained in our brains permanently because of the sheer unbelievability of their content.  There’s that fleeting moment when something so crazy or ridiculous happens that we actually stop in slow motion in our heads, waiting for the crew of Punk’d or Candid Camera to pop out from behind some hidden spot. Then your heart sinks as you realize this is really happening. This was such a day.

I remember walking down the hallway of my house, having just heard the puttering of my son and daughter after nap time, alerting me that they were ready to be freed from their jailhouse cribs. Ok so they had been making noise and banging for well over twenty minutes but it took me that long to summon up the will to force my mind to make my legs move in their direction and spring them free.  Nap time is the period during which we somehow talk ourselves down from the ledge of insanity and stress to regenerate for the rest of our day.

I paused outside their door and for a moment, my dread of the long afternoon to come was replaced by the warm feeling of anticipation in seeing their little smiling faces and knowing i’ll hear the excited shriek of “Mommy” as i walk in the door. That warmth and excitement was very short lived.  It was then replaced by a sudden rush of curiosity by my nasal cavity as to an unusual smell that seemed to be creeping out from behind the door.  In that moment it hit me…..I smell shit.

Every part of me wanted to turn around and run away, unsure of what i would find when i opened the door.  It really didn’t matter.  I knew that it wouldn’t be good.  For a second there i wanted to call my mother, as if she would come and take care of it for me.  I knew of course that she wouldn’t as she had served her time with my two brothers and I and she’d probably even take some pleasure in the current situation.

So i went in.  I first glanced at my daughter, even though i suspected she was not the culprit.  She was the informant in the house.  She looked up at me bright eyed and immediately pointed at her brother and gave him up.  “Jake made poopy!” As I braced myself and reluctantly glanced over at my son I realized he didn’t just make poopy…. he turned it into an arts and crafts project….some sort of picasso like expression of his free will.  He had decided that the poop in his diaper was available for finger painting and he went at it all over his crib and on several objects within his reach.  He actually seemed pleased with himself, as if this was his moment to take pride in his work.  Then he saw the look on my face and his smile quickly faded and out popped an “Ut oh!”

I then began to feel the gag coming on…..I immediately had a flashback to when I was little and would be nauseous and my mother would tell me to breathe slowly, deep breaths, in through the nose and out through the mouth.  As I started my lamaze breathing I began to loudly reprimand my son and tell him what a bad thing he had done.  My next thought was that there was no way in hell I wanted to clean up this mess and for a fleeting moment I considered picking up and moving…. or just throwing out his crib, bedding, stuffed animals and everything else that could have possibly contained fecal matter. Get a dumpster and throw it all in there and then hose off my son in the driveway.  My bellowing must have been fairly loud because soon my husband appeared in the doorway with a cheery “What’s going on in here?”

I almost pitied him for a moment….for he knoweth not what he was walking into.  The pity quickly passed  and I snapped at him, now convicting him of being guilty by association and said “Your son decided it was ok to reach in his diaper and play with his poop!”.  When one of the kids does something inexcusable, it is routine for me to immediately attribute 100% of their dna to my husband.  His face took on the same look that my son’s did, going from a cheeky smile to hanging his head in shame.  To his credit, my husband then replied with the only four words that would save him from my wrath. “How can i help?”  This brought me some satisfaction that the years I have spent training him had not been in vain or wasted….you have learned young skywalker….well played.

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Beware of C.O.P.s

U-Cant-Fix-Stupid

C.O.P.s are rampant.  They are everywhere you go. You see them every day and shake your head at them. These my friends are Clueless Other People, better known as C.O.P.s.  It is the lady on line at the store chatting on her cell phone so loudly (because we all really want to hear about your aunt betty’s goiter). It is the guy who sees you coming down the highway for quite a while and then waits until you are almost to him before he decides to pull out in front of you at the speed of an electric scooter.  It is the woman at the supermarket who is arguing over the price of the yogurt she is buying that is was advertised for 47 cents and is coming up 49 cents and let me talk to the manager because that is false advertising and bait and switch. Really?  I always seem to get in line behind a C.O.P. when my son has just informed me that if he doesn’t get to a bathroom and relieve himself NOW his bladder will explode.

It truly does seem that the presence of C.O.P’s is on the rise….or are we just that much more sensitive because we get bitchier and crankier as we get older.  Probably a little of both.  What are the rest of us to do who do have a clue? Form some sort of C.O.P. patrol to get these people off the streets? Take the sympathetic approach and form a therapy network whose sole job it is to help these people to realize that they are a C.O.P. while sitting in a circle (admitting it is the first step to recovery). Let me share with you an recent incident in which i had interaction with one such person…

I was at the park with my kids on a nice day (ok it was cold and cloudy but anything over 40 degrees is considered to be a nice day after this winter season)  I ran into another mom who I had met briefly two or three times before at the park and we had chatted briefly a couple of times while the kids were playing. Her son had inadvertently dropped a little toy soldier he was carrying and my son decided to pick it up and bring it over to the mom and give it back to her.  As a thank you she proceeds to pick my son up under both arms and spin him around while loudly telling him what a good boy he was for picking up the toy.  Here’s where I must interject with the three categories of children:

Category “A”/Evil Knievel: This child’s idea of fun is being shot from a cannon, flung out over the woods and then free falling into an open field.  Upon completion they immediately shout “AGAIN”!

Category “B”/Bounce House Billy: This is your typical child who likes bounce houses, water slides and long walks on the beach

Category “C”/Turtle shell Timmy: This is my child……no activity above 3 miles per hour is tolerated. When presented with the option to participate in something that requires heights, speed or motion, he immediately retreats into his imaginary but very cozy turtle shell.

So there you go…..you can imagine my child’s reaction to this virtual stranger flinging him around wildly.  Who does this to a kid you hardly know? Remember the proverb of the movie Dirty Dancing…”this is my dance space, this is your dance space” She invaded his space and he immediately let her know how he felt about that. I did feel a pang of guilt the second time he vomited on her but most of me was like “You had it coming C.O.P.!” I am quite sure if she tries diligently that puke stains can come out of suede shoes with a little scrubbing.

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10 Facts of Parenting

Let me start by saying that the title of this site “motherhood for dummies” should in no way imply that I am any sort of motherhood expert, willing to enlist the masses of clueless individuals out there to hear my expert advice on being the perfect mother.  Here’s a tip…we are all dummies when it comes to motherhood! It is literally learn as you go, trial by firing squad….the proverbial throw ‘em in the deep end and see if they float!

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HERE ARE 10 THINGS THAT I DO KNOW WHEN IT COMES TO PARENTING:

1. Before you were a parent you would look at others kids behavior out in public as ridiculous, atrocious, outrageous and swore your kids would never do such things…..you now look at your kids acting like zoo animals, throwing tantrums and flicking boogers everywhere.

2. You swore when you married your husband that when you had children it was not going to consume your life in a way that it would affect your sexual relationship. Oh you silly little newlywed you. Children are the ultimate form of birth control and after spending a day with them and being immersed in complete exasperation, choosing between sleep and sex, guess who wins every time!

3. Before your kids you looked at those bozo parents who talked incessantly about how beautiful, smart and talented their kids are and then you looked at their little johnny who was cross-eyed and attempting to fart the alphabet and you were like “what are they kidding?” Now you are calling mensa to see if they will come to evaluate your seven month old.

4. When your child does something wonderful, you beam with pride at the power of your DNA to create such genius.  When your child manages to get your cell phone stuck in the hole at the bottom of the toilet because he was trying to call the bubble guppies, you immediately attribute it to the rampant mental illness that runs on your husbands side of the family.

5. Before motherhood you subscribed to the “kids will be kids” philosophy of letting them play and not baby-ing them to death by interfering over every little quabble.  Now you see some kid ignore your son when he asks to play and you decide that since he is obviously from a long line of anti-social psychopaths that you need to march over there and teach the little bastard some manners.

6. The amount of energy it takes to fake excitement over the forty-seventh time your kids have “performed” the theme song from frozen or made you watch yo gabba gabba brobee’s birthday episode is equivalent scientifically to the amount of energy it takes for superman to reverse the earths rotation and turn back time.

7. There actually is an “appropriate” amount of poop that you will allow your child to be walking around with in his diaper because the thought of having to get up and change them is equal to contemplating getting your nose hairs plucked out one at a time.  This usually simply requires you to peek if it is close to coming out of the top of the diaper….if there is at least an inch to spare, you are good for another hour.

8. Getting your child to do something they don’t want to do when they are a toddler is next to impossible.  It was easier to negotiate the end of the world wars than to get little suzie to take some cough syrup. When my kids were babies I had a strict “no negotiating with terroritsts” policy set in my mind and now I find myself offering to buy my five year old a pony if he will swallow some liquid tylenol.

9.  There will be times that you will look at your children in amazement, filled with such love for them that you never could have imagined. These times are when they are sleeping and quiet….and as soon as they wake up and start whining it fades away!

10. When your kids are babies you can’t wait for them to crawl and walk and talk. When they finally walk you wish they would sit still. When they finally talk you wish they would be quiet. When they run around the house all day you’ll count the days until kindergarten and then when they go you’ll miss them all day. When they are teens and invade your house with their friends and eat all the food you won’t be able to wait to get your house back and then when they go to college you will miss them terribly until they visit. They will bring you your highest highs and lowest lows in life but there’s nothing else in this world that can compare to being a parent.

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